After last night, I could never be a politician.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
we're so committed to being not committed
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
