life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
