i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
