I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
