planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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