My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
