You smell like a Billy Joel song
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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