Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
