I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
