I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You ruined the universe
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
