This is not my ceiling
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
