i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
