Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
