you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
