So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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