last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
