Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
