my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
