apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
