As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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