i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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