There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
