im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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