Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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