i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
