i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize