My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
how do you play pong handcuffed?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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