Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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