A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
