Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
