Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
