Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize