I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I smell stomach acid.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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