i need an iv and a liver transplant
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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