i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
