The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
