If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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