Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
