Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
