Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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