It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
