Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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