Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
