Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
