Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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