I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
