Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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