my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
