Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
