I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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