Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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