Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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