Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
