Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize