bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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